Friday, December 09, 2005
Living with cancer
I think I'll try and explain what it feels like to live with cancer..... When Anne and I saw the first chest X ray with a mass there, sure we were shocked, but we were sure that it had to be tuberculosis. Any doctor who has a problem will most likely have tb in India.... but a 11 cm mass in the chest? I think denial is such a natural human response that it tends to surface as our most initially used one- and we both used it. I clung on to it longer than she did - refusing to allow myself to accept it until the biopsy came back in full.... if there was a chance it wasn't cancer. How could I have cancer, I was just not the type. (not the type, I wonder what that means now). Tarun Jacob was so blessed..as a kid i was a choir boy, well behaved son, 100 meter champion, district basket ball plater, school head boy, in college I had rep'd my class, been speaker for the class, served as our church sunday school superintendant, atheletics captain, sports captain, faculty students representative, College president.... there wasn't something or some sphere of life that I hadn't poked a finger into... I had fallen in love with the girl of my dreams, married her in an almost fairytale wedding , we are having a baby together and...... I have a cancer sitting inside my chest.
Do you know that it's now been 6 weeks since I have known I have never felt hopeless.
I got a call from a school teacher, soon after the diagnosis. She sobbed and cried, I could make out that she was uncontrollably distraught. I wonder why neither Anne or I felt that way.
3 times in the week of the diagnosis, once from a pastor Graham, once from Arpith our close friend and once at a personal morning devotion - we were challenged with the same question based on a miracle where Jesus asked a blind man, " What do you want me to do for you?". It was funny but till then we just kept praying for strength, a reason, but never really for a cure. Since then Anne and I have claimed healing and believe that we are getting it.
If you are reading my blog - I am not just a Non Hodkins lymphoma patient 6 weeks into chemo but I'm already a Lymphoma survivor. I'm sure of it. I just need to get through the treatment - even the big J needed his spit to restore a man's sight.
Today I wish I was in Hydrabad - at a wedding of someone special -chemo can be a drag.