Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Dont look back in anger!

Today I feel so much better! Ruby Ammama (Amma’s sister) has come from Singapore and, came in about 1 am. I was unable to sleep, and hence was wide awake when she came in. Woke up early today as well, all indications that my ‘down’ phase is drawing to a close and I’m being given strength to face the last battle of Chemo on Thursday. Back to my old insomniac self!
Ruby ammama and I had a meaningful time together this morning, reflecting on many things we have learnt over our various experiences. Anandith joined us mid morning in his self made Go cart – inset pic with us and the cart.
A powerful part of today’s discussion and my thoughts was how far each of us decides to look back into our lives. This may be a bit heavy – so excuse me if you were expecting light reading for today.
It’s easy for me to look back and wonder why I got this lymphoma – as to a viral, genetic or chemical etiology. It could be any odd reason. I lived a year under high tension cables – some associate that with cancerous properties. But heck, does it really make a difference to the way it affects me. Again if we look at why we get sickness, is from God, or is it a ‘gift’ of the ‘devil’. Does it really matter – I really wonder if it does.
I have been thinking about this for a while, and have decided that looking back and wondering why gets us nowhere. It’s how we take on what we have got and move forward is what really matters. And the way we draw on Gods strength and grace to move on is what gives us the ability to turn a disaster into a blessing. So it’s a moot point whether God or the devil gave me lymphoma, but it’s without doubt that God has transformed me through the events around the lymphoma. So I think important to fight that urge to look back…my opinion, I may be wrong.


Anonymous said...

Dear Tarun,

The "why" question is usually uttered in anguish, disbelief and desperation and a feeling of having been dealt with unfairly. You have shown nothing of this in your posts to date. In the case of unexpected illness or hurt, it cuts our strength from within us.

What you have shown is tremendous strength and courage and openness to share your experience, and the love that you have attracted so easily towards you, from all who have the good fortune to know you.

Sorry - getting "preachy".

Love you,

Lizzie amama

WA said...

Tarun, the new template is almost impossible to read :( or is it just me, not sure. The go-cart looks cool, hope everything goes well on Thursday. Take care

Nysha said...

That's my mommy!!
what you said is so true. we all fall into the why this why not that. i dunno but i find strength in the fact that i know that God will never hurt me and that whatever happens i'm not going through anything alone. There's no point in explaining why things happen to us. we were never promised immunity just protection.
And that's been the story of my life.
glad you're going back 2 normal. i'm slightly nocturnal too! ask mom
Gosh this was long. All the best for Thursday. praying for you =)

Tarun Jacob said...

Sorry, this page uploads easily for me. Whats the problem, anyone else having the same problems?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Its good to look back when it is in awe. Was abused as a kid, and when I look back now, strangely it is to wonder how much the experience has taught me as far as understanding and comforting goes.
And sorry bout the previous n incomplete comment....that was me :p.

Anonymous said...

page seems fine for me - am on a very fast connection at work though....

bullet guy.